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I Burned a TOY and I LIKED it.
It tastes like charcoal chapstick.
________________________
In a brutal battle of sheer wills and balls, when the adult men failed and the woman triumphed (okay, someone said he'd pay $2.79 to burn a toy and no one else cared enough), I have done the unthinkable burned a toy for MONEY. I am posting pictures of it here, EXCLUSIVELY. That's right. The right amount of money can make you do horrible, terrible things to your loved ones and things. No one/nothing is safe.
I have NEVER ever burned a toy, nor set anything on fire except my Popcorn popper. This is all new to me, and I will walk you through my endeavors, trial and error. It is suprisingly difficult to burn rubber/vinyl! Now I would say 'This is dangerous, don't try this at home', but that's exactly what I just did, try it at home.
Okay, so this poor LOTR Gandalf has lost his accessories, which means he is FAIR GAME.
Being as my stovetop popcorn popper went up SO gloriously in 2ft high flames, I figured cooking oil would be a good accelerant. I lightly baste him, then outside he goes onto his own funeral pyre on the always wet northwestern ground. SAFETY FIRST, so there's a big bucket of water. Mostly because it would be very embarrassing to tell the fire department at the front door that the smoke was from a burning toy someone paid me $2.79 for. I'm sure the city fine would be much higher. Also, I have tongs ready to hold the match, because I expect it will ERUPT in flames when touched. I had to change that to a candle lighter though, because the match kept going out in the brutal 1 mph wind. Also, as I'm trying to light him for the second time, the camera batteries die. I curse & run back inside to exchange them, and try again.
....and nothing happened. It most certainly did not burn. So I POUR the oil on. Yes, the cooking oil is in a Golden Griddle Syrup bottle. Don't ask. Notice I'm pouring a generous amount on his crotch.
....and nothing happened. I'm getting annoyed. Now the picks blank out here for a second, as I throw caution to the wind, pick up old Gandy and hold him upside down, putting the candle lighter directly ON him, 2 inches from my fingers, determined to blaze him up. NO FIRE!!! I hold the flame for long periods, and he barely gets singed. He also looks pissed off. Now I'm wondering if my choice of a 'wizard' toy was a correct one.
So it's inside we go, to see what kind of flammable goodies we have indoors. I wash the angry toy too, for proper test results. I was looking for my 'Goo Be Gone' but couldn't find it. I settle for a face wash astringent (alcohol!), and W-D40 (says 'HIGHLY FLAMMABLE' right on can!). I put each in a glass jar and drop a match. NOTHING. Highly Flammable my ass.
Now I'm getting fucking pissed off, enough to drag my lazy ass out to the shed. Now, luckily in most situations but not this one, there is no gasoline, so I look for alternatives. Spray-on Engine starting fluid that says 'HIGHLY FLAMMABLE' on the can! I baste him and light up.
.....and nothing. WTF??!@!! Highly flammable my ass. Back to the shed, and I get the big guns. LACER THINNER, also highly flammable. Okay, pay attention here kiddies, you'll need it later. Notice I'm pouring a generous amount ON HIS FACE. Dumping it on. And I light him....
SUCCESS!!!! Wizard my ass. I am rewarded for all my endeavors by that awesome, very unique, sound of something going ablaze. That muffled blanket explosion. My head feels dizzy from excitement (I'm sure it's not all the fumes I've inhaled already). Beautiful gorgeous 3 inch flames! I just hope the pyromania switch hasn't been flipped in me....
The first shot is blurry, partly because I'm excited, but also just as the flames erupt, the camera freezes and I have to pop the batteries and restart it. It's never done that before....
Notice HIS FACE IS NOT BURNING. Also, at this point, IT STARTS TO SNOW! Not the light fluffy flakes, but icy fast snow coming right down in a wet mush, but mysteriously does not show on the camera. I'm wondering if it was actually there at all. I'm half expecting a small whirlwind to show up in the backyard and swoop in to put out the flames. Again, wondering of my choice in a 'wizard' toy.
As it's getting very smoky, which amazingly manages to blow straight at the camera and into our neighbors-who-are-always-home's back yard simultaneously, and the flames are almost out, so I dump the water on. Now I would have LOVED to gotten a smoking charred figure shot, but right after I dump the water on, the THIRD FULLY CHARGED BATTERIES die. WTF?!@!@#? I run in and change them, only to shoot his cold, blackened corpse. His face, still unburned and angry. Amazingly, all his joints STILL WORK. Everything bends, nothing is different except a ruined wardrobe and obvious irritation.
What I have learned from this experience is:
1: Keep spare batteries NEAR THE CAMERA, not in the house.
2: Always use laquer thinner.
3: Do not try to destroy a Wizard toy.
4: Do not wear a face mask, fumes are much more fun.
_____________________________________
And because somebody paid me ANOTHER $2.79, as per the agreement, here are the *super special* pictures, featuring the post-burn toy, and the DESTROYER OF THE TOY, in classic Splitty poses.
(These pics make me look alot prettier than I actually am. YAY! Also, I threw away the 'Fat' pictures!)
WHAT TO DO WITH A BURNED TOY:::
no.
no.
yes.
yes.
no.
It tastes like charcoal chapstick.
________________________
In a brutal battle of sheer wills and balls, when the adult men failed and the woman triumphed (okay, someone said he'd pay $2.79 to burn a toy and no one else cared enough), I have done the unthinkable burned a toy for MONEY. I am posting pictures of it here, EXCLUSIVELY. That's right. The right amount of money can make you do horrible, terrible things to your loved ones and things. No one/nothing is safe.
I have NEVER ever burned a toy, nor set anything on fire except my Popcorn popper. This is all new to me, and I will walk you through my endeavors, trial and error. It is suprisingly difficult to burn rubber/vinyl! Now I would say 'This is dangerous, don't try this at home', but that's exactly what I just did, try it at home.
Okay, so this poor LOTR Gandalf has lost his accessories, which means he is FAIR GAME.
Being as my stovetop popcorn popper went up SO gloriously in 2ft high flames, I figured cooking oil would be a good accelerant. I lightly baste him, then outside he goes onto his own funeral pyre on the always wet northwestern ground. SAFETY FIRST, so there's a big bucket of water. Mostly because it would be very embarrassing to tell the fire department at the front door that the smoke was from a burning toy someone paid me $2.79 for. I'm sure the city fine would be much higher. Also, I have tongs ready to hold the match, because I expect it will ERUPT in flames when touched. I had to change that to a candle lighter though, because the match kept going out in the brutal 1 mph wind. Also, as I'm trying to light him for the second time, the camera batteries die. I curse & run back inside to exchange them, and try again.
....and nothing happened. It most certainly did not burn. So I POUR the oil on. Yes, the cooking oil is in a Golden Griddle Syrup bottle. Don't ask. Notice I'm pouring a generous amount on his crotch.
....and nothing happened. I'm getting annoyed. Now the picks blank out here for a second, as I throw caution to the wind, pick up old Gandy and hold him upside down, putting the candle lighter directly ON him, 2 inches from my fingers, determined to blaze him up. NO FIRE!!! I hold the flame for long periods, and he barely gets singed. He also looks pissed off. Now I'm wondering if my choice of a 'wizard' toy was a correct one.
So it's inside we go, to see what kind of flammable goodies we have indoors. I wash the angry toy too, for proper test results. I was looking for my 'Goo Be Gone' but couldn't find it. I settle for a face wash astringent (alcohol!), and W-D40 (says 'HIGHLY FLAMMABLE' right on can!). I put each in a glass jar and drop a match. NOTHING. Highly Flammable my ass.
Now I'm getting fucking pissed off, enough to drag my lazy ass out to the shed. Now, luckily in most situations but not this one, there is no gasoline, so I look for alternatives. Spray-on Engine starting fluid that says 'HIGHLY FLAMMABLE' on the can! I baste him and light up.
.....and nothing. WTF??!@!! Highly flammable my ass. Back to the shed, and I get the big guns. LACER THINNER, also highly flammable. Okay, pay attention here kiddies, you'll need it later. Notice I'm pouring a generous amount ON HIS FACE. Dumping it on. And I light him....
SUCCESS!!!! Wizard my ass. I am rewarded for all my endeavors by that awesome, very unique, sound of something going ablaze. That muffled blanket explosion. My head feels dizzy from excitement (I'm sure it's not all the fumes I've inhaled already). Beautiful gorgeous 3 inch flames! I just hope the pyromania switch hasn't been flipped in me....
The first shot is blurry, partly because I'm excited, but also just as the flames erupt, the camera freezes and I have to pop the batteries and restart it. It's never done that before....
Notice HIS FACE IS NOT BURNING. Also, at this point, IT STARTS TO SNOW! Not the light fluffy flakes, but icy fast snow coming right down in a wet mush, but mysteriously does not show on the camera. I'm wondering if it was actually there at all. I'm half expecting a small whirlwind to show up in the backyard and swoop in to put out the flames. Again, wondering of my choice in a 'wizard' toy.
As it's getting very smoky, which amazingly manages to blow straight at the camera and into our neighbors-who-are-always-home's back yard simultaneously, and the flames are almost out, so I dump the water on. Now I would have LOVED to gotten a smoking charred figure shot, but right after I dump the water on, the THIRD FULLY CHARGED BATTERIES die. WTF?!@!@#? I run in and change them, only to shoot his cold, blackened corpse. His face, still unburned and angry. Amazingly, all his joints STILL WORK. Everything bends, nothing is different except a ruined wardrobe and obvious irritation.
What I have learned from this experience is:
1: Keep spare batteries NEAR THE CAMERA, not in the house.
2: Always use laquer thinner.
3: Do not try to destroy a Wizard toy.
4: Do not wear a face mask, fumes are much more fun.
_____________________________________
And because somebody paid me ANOTHER $2.79, as per the agreement, here are the *super special* pictures, featuring the post-burn toy, and the DESTROYER OF THE TOY, in classic Splitty poses.
(These pics make me look alot prettier than I actually am. YAY! Also, I threw away the 'Fat' pictures!)
WHAT TO DO WITH A BURNED TOY:::
no.
no.
yes.
yes.
no.
Last edited by Splitty on Thu Mar 12, 2009 10:11 pm; edited 1 time in total
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