Home
Its a night like any other sleepless night. I find myself curious, after a year and half of blissful ignorance, a misspelling in google brings up an old screen name. A screen name I hadn't thought of in a long time.
A believer, I am, in names having power. They evoke ghostly sensations awakened from the archives of the varied layers of consciousness. A screen name of a forgotten woman.
Isn't always about a woman?
In the old testament, God cursed women with the want for men and yet here we are, supposedly, thousands of years later and men pine for women in their unhealthy way with mental or actual masturbation. The vigorous re-playing of e-motions, to a barely perceptible beat. The damning rhythmic gait of freudian wanderlust.
My inner core siezes up, le petit morte. The little death of my ignorance. Bliss-less I wonder.
So I let the term settle. I forget my original search. I thrash into the spider's web, and have my will sucked dry as I click button.
And I'm off, links the color of bruises appear before me. I've played this point-and-click dance before. Vain searches for answers I never wanted.
And I find her.
Things have changed. I attempt to recreate my account, possibly to contact her, but my fate is sealed. My old account, my old identity, is locked away by my own deletion. Past decisions made my future ones for me.
So here I am, posting, venting, her birthday past 3 days ago. And I had forgotten, good and forgotten. Forgot the spelling of her last name.
But the information I found proved me right. That I remember, not wanting to analyze her. Not wanting to admit her flaws. Willing to bury my perception with my own.
But I was right. So right. Dead right.
Alone she is again.
Things have changed, she went back home. She's back at square one. As if the events never happened.
And yet I have changed.
Matured? Never. Experienced? Maybe. Socially Adjusted? I can admit so.
So here I am, instead of trying to recapture the past I vent. I apologize for those that have ventured here. You braved what many have experienced but few have fathomed.
Beneath the salacious pomp and finicky circumstance, is a wordsmith tried and true.
Amen.
A believer, I am, in names having power. They evoke ghostly sensations awakened from the archives of the varied layers of consciousness. A screen name of a forgotten woman.
Isn't always about a woman?
In the old testament, God cursed women with the want for men and yet here we are, supposedly, thousands of years later and men pine for women in their unhealthy way with mental or actual masturbation. The vigorous re-playing of e-motions, to a barely perceptible beat. The damning rhythmic gait of freudian wanderlust.
My inner core siezes up, le petit morte. The little death of my ignorance. Bliss-less I wonder.
So I let the term settle. I forget my original search. I thrash into the spider's web, and have my will sucked dry as I click button.
And I'm off, links the color of bruises appear before me. I've played this point-and-click dance before. Vain searches for answers I never wanted.
And I find her.
Things have changed. I attempt to recreate my account, possibly to contact her, but my fate is sealed. My old account, my old identity, is locked away by my own deletion. Past decisions made my future ones for me.
So here I am, posting, venting, her birthday past 3 days ago. And I had forgotten, good and forgotten. Forgot the spelling of her last name.
But the information I found proved me right. That I remember, not wanting to analyze her. Not wanting to admit her flaws. Willing to bury my perception with my own.
But I was right. So right. Dead right.
Alone she is again.
Things have changed, she went back home. She's back at square one. As if the events never happened.
And yet I have changed.
Matured? Never. Experienced? Maybe. Socially Adjusted? I can admit so.
So here I am, instead of trying to recapture the past I vent. I apologize for those that have ventured here. You braved what many have experienced but few have fathomed.
Beneath the salacious pomp and finicky circumstance, is a wordsmith tried and true.
Amen.
... 
... 
...wow....
