Fanfic of Scott Pilgrim i'm gonna send in

Hey, this is my first ever fanfic to fanfiction.net and I was wondering if anyone can please read this and say write what they though of it? Please be honest, I appreciate the feedback;

Gideon: The Rise to Power

Prelude:
10:55 Am, New York City, New York
Gideon Gordon Graves Age: 30 Rating: Hung-Over

Gideon Graves was in a very very bad hang-over. It had been less than a week since Ramona Flowers left him and Gideon had spent the whole night drinking large quanities of alcohol, rum and whiskey. So drunk that he couldn't remember anything of the night before. As he grudgingly woke up, he made a mad dash to the bathroom of his manor home apartment of midtown New York. After ten minutes of vomiting, he saw his laptop was left on from the binge last night, flahing to plug it in to recharge its battery.
As he did this, he checked his email and several notifications were in his inbox from craigslist.com;

matthewpatel@hotmail.com has commented on your post!
lucaslee@AOL.com has commented on your post!
ImaRokkStarr.com has commented on your post!
roxierichter@yahoo.com has commented on your post!
KyleKatayanagi@hikyaku.com has commented on your post!
KenKatayanagi@hikyaku.com has commented on your post!

After he read ththeir responses of joy and understanding, he still had no clue of what they were talking about. He clicked on the link to the post he supposedly made and found it... jarring to say the least.

In it was a three thousand word rant about how Ramona just teleported out of his bedroom and his life suddenly and harshly, how much he loved her and she tore out his heart and how many of his old girlfriends would be crawling back to him to date him again at a drop of the hat, all full of spelling errors. Also of how he gave funding to the people who made the piss-poor parody films like Epic Movie after another bad breakup with another of his girlfriends.

"Oh shit, like that really needed to be on the internet for everyone and their grandparents to see." muttered Gideon. Hopefully the backlash from this won't affect his buissnesses too much.

He than went back to his inbox and read the replies to his rant more carefully this time. Out of the six replies, the ones from Patel, Lee and the two Katayanagis were the most appealing to him. They knew his pain the most. He decided to reply to their comments and Hopefully they'll reply soon so he can get to know more about them.

And So...

"Come on, just look at your emails!" Gideon shouted to no-one. He'd only replied to their essages more than a paragraph ago and he was very anxious. He then took a short walk around the block of where the apartment building was located, bought a hotdog to lower his hunger meter, lost 5 HP when a car bumped against him when the light was still green and finally went back home. He than forgot of why he just went for a walk that literally went no where important and went to bed early. He also looked up the name of the man who owned the car that almost hit him online, got his own small mercenary group to bump him off and finally went to bed.

Morning
He awoke at a much better time than the top of the page and after eating breakfast, checked his email. He saw the replies from everyone but ImaRokkStarr telling various stories of how Ramona ended their relationships. He also checked their various email profiles and saw that all but the Katayanagis were in the United States. He thought to himself, If I can see if they can come over to my home or to the Chaos Theatre, I could... He than lost focus when he had an epiphany;
"Oh my god, Lucas Lee is the Lucas Lee! He was so cool in Action Doctor! I hope he can give me his autograph, I..."
He stopped when the cleaning lady was giving him a funny look cocktail of laughter and suspicion.

Carol Willson
Age: 46
Occupation: Cleaning Lady

"Don't look at me like that, Carol."
She stopped her restraint and laughed at his schoolgirl like excitement. I can have you replaced so fast wih anyone from south of the border it won't be funny he thought. What was I doing again? He looked down at his laptop again and, OH MY GOD, LUCAS LEE IS- Wait now I remember. Gideon sent another reply to everyone. In them he said that if they were able to, he would give them a way for them to finally get even with her, to have closure and maybe even vengence for their greviances (along with the promise of free beer and food to those who came).

The Next Paragraph
Chaos Theatre
Owner's office

The front doors of the Chaos Theatre night club (New York branch) were open on the top floor. Today, why today could be the start of something great, Gideon assured himself. Soon those poor guys will finally have a chance to get back at the not-so-lovely Ramona Victoria Flowers. And I'll be able to reap the rewards of Ramona finally knowing how much of a teasing slut she really was! he brooded. He had his office computer set up so it could support the wifi skype connection for the Katayanagis and Todd Ingram AKA ImaRokkStarr (found this fact from an informant at entertainment tonight he hired), the bassist of the good very good mega awesome band Clash at Demonhead. The final piece of the puzzle is to where Flowers could be. She knew something about teleportation, and Gidoen, former teen super genius, couldn't put a finger on it. How she kept it from him in the slightest aggrivated him greatly also. Wouldn't be the first secret jezebel kept from me.

CHALLENGERS APPROACHING!
2 new characters have appeared!

The monitors on the computer showed two men coming up to the entrance. One was dressed in a bandana, black pants, piratey shirt and a gothy dog collar thingie. The other guy was in sunglasses and a denim jacket. As it was a weekday afernoon, he had plenty of time to sell them in on the deal of a lifetime. He was also wondering where Richter might be.

"I'm right here" said a sudden feminine voice.

Random Encounter!

"What, I never said anything!?" he told the black clad blonde woman behind him.

"Didn't need to, I just read the sentance a few lines up the page" she replied.

"Roxie Richter, I assume?"

"Bingo"

"How did you-"

"I'm a half-ninja"

"Half?"

"What about it?"

"Nothing, just nevermind" he siad in order to change subjects.

He motioned her to take a seat in the circle of foldout chairs he had some employes lay out along with a small buffet. As the two gentleman came down and the computer screen was ready for the other 3 exes' skype accounts, he can finally begin the pitch...

I've never actually read any Scott Pilgrim (I know, I know), but I might suggest following a bit of a screenplay format to make this a bit easier to follow. That will give you a more clear distinction between your dialogue and action and will remove any guessing from who-said-what. Also, be sure to signify what parts of the description you want to be in a text box...

I tend to think of comics as being very cinematic in nature which doesn't leave a lot of room for non-visual representation of facts. For example: You say, "As it was a weekday afernoon, he had plenty of time to sell them in on the deal of a lifetime." My first thought is, "How do we know this?" Of course, if this is not intended to be a comic medium, then you can throw all my comments out the window. Except that I do think you need to attribute your quotations in some way.

Lastly... and this is just me being nit-picky (but you asked for honesty)... "sudden feminine voice" implies that what's being said is said very quickly, as though the words are being rushed together or cut short. "said a female voice suddenly" is probably more of what you're looking for, but I've been trained not to use words like quickly or suddenly. Obviously this is just my opinion, but I'd like to see something along the lines of - A feminine voice snaked through the darkness behind him, "I'm right here." "Snaked" seems a bit slow for what you're trying to say, but you could throw in any number of quick verbs (cut, stabbed, broke, tore).

Alright... sorry if I got a little overzealous with that. I'm in the middle of Nanowrimo so writing is controlling my brain right now.

Oh... and let me add that reading this made me want to read Scott Pilgrim. So that's a definite check-mark in the "win" column.

Good work! Keep at it!

vikoros wrote:I've never actually read any Scott Pilgrim (I know, I know), but I might suggest following a bit of a screenplay format to make this a bit easier to follow. That will give you a more clear distinction between your dialogue and action and will remove any guessing from who-said-what. Also, be sure to signify what parts of the description you want to be in a text box...

I tend to think of comics as being very cinematic in nature which doesn't leave a lot of room for non-visual representation of facts. For example: You say, "As it was a weekday afernoon, he had plenty of time to sell them in on the deal of a lifetime." My first thought is, "How do we know this?" Of course, if this is not intended to be a comic medium, then you can throw all my comments out the window. Except that I do think you need to attribute your quotations in some way.

Lastly... and this is just me being nit-picky (but you asked for honesty)... "sudden feminine voice" implies that what's being said is said very quickly, as though the words are being rushed together or cut short. "said a female voice suddenly" is probably more of what you're looking for, but I've been trained not to use words like quickly or suddenly. Obviously this is just my opinion, but I'd like to see something along the lines of - A feminine voice snaked through the darkness behind him, "I'm right here." "Snaked" seems a bit slow for what you're trying to say, but you could throw in any number of quick verbs (cut, stabbed, broke, tore).

A) I wasn't going for a comicbook script, I was going for a novelization.
B) What's a text box?
C) good tip about the sudden voice thing.

I know SP is a visual heavy thing, but I read a great form of it on ff.net called "Neil Vs Toronto" and it was awesome despite being only 1 page (the writer hasn't updated yet).

vikoros wrote: Oh... and let me add that reading this made me want to read Scott Pilgrim. So that's a definite check-mark in the "win" column.

Good work! Keep at it!

awesome!

Published the first chapter the other night and so far I've gotten 3 good reviews!