Signs that you're watching a Nicolas Cage movie:
- If Nic’s hair is longer than four inches, you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.
- If Nic is mumbling his dialogue in an accent other than his own, you are probably watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.
- If you turn on a Nicolas Cage movie and you notice Rosie Perez’s name is in the credits, you should probably watch something else. Otherwise you’re just gonna sit through a bad Nicolas Cage movie.
- If Nicolas Cage is playing a musical instrument of some kind, let’s say a Mandolin for example, then you are watching a WAY bad Nicolas Cage movie.
- If at any point during the movie you hear this phrase: “Put the bunny down”, you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie. Don’t be fooled, this isn’t meant to be hip, ironic or in on the joke of its own badness. It’s just bad. Walk away.
- If Samuel L. Jackson is prominently involved in any way, you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.
- If you’re watching a Nicolas Cage action movie and notice that John Cusack is playing his sidekick, only he’s wearing fucking sandals instead of shoes like a normal person, because he’s pretentious and rebelling against the iron fist of creativity held by the major studios who make this crap (the same major studios who happen to be paying him millions of dollars to be in said crap, by the way), yet the fact that someone wearing fucking sandals instead of shoes (especially Lloyd freaking Dobler) can not ride a motorcycle, climb on top of a moving fire truck or help dispatch an uber-violent John Malkovich doesn’t give you pause, then you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie. And are also mentally retarded.
- Do you like watching snuff films? Then why would you want to watch Nicolas Cage watch a snuff film? Put the bad Nicolas Cage snuff film DOWN!
- If his role requires him to have any muscle tone, for whatever reason, press stop on the DVD player and go watch some Family Guy reruns, because you’re watching a shitty Nicolas Cage movie.
- If even the sight of a blonde, dreadlocked, lips-to-11 Angelina Jolie can’t distract you from how boring, clunky, unfunny and out and out awful Gone in 60 Seconds really is (especially when Nic is getting chased by Master P. Like, huh? And also, shut up Giovanni Ribisi!), then it’s a bad Nicolas Cage movie.
- Do not be fooled by the credit “Directed by Martin Scorsese”, you are still watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie. Turn it off and go watch The Departed instead.
- If Nicolas Cage is punching guys out, using double guns in slo-motion, blowing shit up and generally acting like a reject from Rambo-land, but the movie is NOT directed by Michael Bay, then why are you wasting your time? It’s just a bad Nicolas Cage action movie.
- Oh, hello Helen Hunt, good to see you. And what are you up to today? Appearing in a Nicolas Cage movie? Well, that’ll be bad then, won’t it? Don’t forget to powder the eight-head before your close-up. Wouldn’t want to blind the camera guy, now would we?
- If the director was stupid enough to let Nicolas Cage go blindly improvising into the night (Snake Eyes, I’m looking right at you), then you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.
- If you’re watching any Nicolas Cage movie where he’s wearing army fatigues, immediately get up, go down to the local army recruitment center and apologize for what you’ve done. Not only were you watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie, you were also taking a metaphorical dump on the U.S. military.
- If the Nicolas Cage movie you have on has the word “Man” in the title there’s a better than average chance you’re walking away disappointed. So make sure you either really like Tea Leoni (fat chance), have a soft spot for Wicker and/or Weather (Michael Caine softens the latter one), or are in the dire need of a Sam Rockwell fix (and really, who isn’t?), before proceeding with the watching.
- If Nicolas Cage is playing the brothers of Dana Carvey and Jon Lovitz, well then… do I even need to say it?
- If the movie is a crappy remake of a crappy horror movie that nobody even liked in the first place, then you’re watching a crappy Nicolas Cage movie (another red flag: the involvement of Leelee Sobieski in said crappy remake).
- Angelina Jolie couldn’t hottie her bad Nicolas Cage movie into a good one (or even a watchable one). Nor could Patricia Arquette, Carla Gugino, Gina Gershon, Monica Potter, Tea Leoni, Amber Valetta, Diane Kruger, Penelope Cruz or Meg Ryan (to some extent), respectively. So honestly, what chance does Eva Mendes have? Be forewarned.
- If you’re watching the trailer for the new Nicolas Cage superhero movie and find yourself thinking “Nicolas Cage, really? Was Ben Affleck not available?” and don’t immediately freak out that you’ve chosen Ben Affleck over Nicolas Cage, then don’t bother with Ghost Rider. Seriously. Save your money. Catch up on your TiVo. Go see one of the Academy Award movies (other than Babel). Hell, just go back and re-watch Daredevil. At least that superhero flick had a drunk out of his mind Colin Farrell walking around being bald, psychotic, and killing random bar assholes with toothpicks (not to mention an in-her-prime Jen Garner and a cameo by Coolio). And even Ben Affleck as a blind lawyer / red-leathered crime fighter isn’t nearly as ludicrous as Nicolas Cage playing a 45 year-old motorcycle stunt man who makes a deal with the devil to turn into a burning skull of fury (literally) and fight evil (played by Wes Bentley. Yes, that Wes Bentley, the plastic bag kid from American Beauty. I’m not even kidding. That’s the bad guy. Apparently Elijah Wood wanted too much money.). Yikes, is this moviegonna be bad, or what!
- Basically, if Nicolas Cage isn’t drunk, overweight, moony, exceedingly eccentric in a particular way (like, say, he steals babies for Holly Hunter), or bantering with Sean Connery, then you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.
- If at any point of the movie Nicolas Cage ticks himself into forgetting that he is an Academy Award-winning actor widely praised for his subtlety and character work, in order to put on a Bad Acting Clinic where his skills are free, you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.
- Any time he yells an ludicrous, only logical in-context request like “Step away from the bike!” or “Put the bunny down!” or “300 Feet! Pretty neat, pretty neat!” or my personal favorite “We’re more like treasure protectors!”, you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.
- I didn’t buy it when Sam “The Man” Jackson and Samantha Caine outran a fireball, why would I buy it when Nicolas Cage does?
- If Nicolas Cage’s love interest plays the entire movie two corset breaths from swooning (ahem, Jessica Biel in Next) or with only her lips and spicy latina fire (hola, Eva Mendes in Ghost Rider), instead of you know, actually acting, then you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.
- Speaking of which, Nicolas Cage is 18 years older than Jessica Biel. He should never EVER be playing her lover in a movie. This isn’t necessarily a sign of a movie’s relative merits, I just wanted to point out how creepy it is. In the immortal words of Chris Cocker, seriously Nic, LEAVE JESSICA BIEL ALONE!
- The presence of Giovanni Ribisi is the immediate tip-off that you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie. Not even a scuffed looking Angelina Jolie can fix the problem (though the “Donny, Low Rider. Low Rider, Donny.” scene helped)
- If this shows up in the trivia section of a movie’s imdb page: “Nicolas Cage wrote sections of the script”, well then, do I even need to tell you?
- Any time a scene calls for Nic to scream in pain, prepare yourself, as you are about to lay witness to a bad Nicolas Cage movie.
- If Nicolas Cage can see EXACTLY two minutes into the future, then you should have been able to see a full NINETY, cause you’re watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie and you didn’t do shit about it. How’s that college degree working out for you now, kid?
- Two Nicolas Cage’s can be a good thing (see: Adapation), but a baker’s dozen Nicolas Cage’s can NEVER be a good thing (see: Next, the end of).
- If a prominent actor shows up half-bored and obviously slumming it a low rent Nic Cage affair (Julianne Moore in Next, Ellen Burstyn in Wicker Man, Peter Fonda in Ghost Rider, Robert Duvall in Gone in 60 Seconds, et al), trust the “cha-ching” look in their eyes and triple bloop the hell outta there.
- If his hair looks rattier than Tom Hanks’ in Da Vinci Code then you are watching a bad Nicolas Cage movie.
- Any time you have a big, splashy CGI-enhanced comic book movie extravaganaza starring a huge A-list action star in the title role, it might be a good idea to have a big, tough, believable bad guy. As in, not the wimpy emo kid from American Beauty who liked to film plastic bags and spend time with Kevin Spacey. Cage was playing a dude with a skeleton head on fucking fire, OF COURSE he could take out the d-bag in blue face paint and gelled hair. C’mon!
- As a rule, anytime the director decides to show us Nicolas Cage’s abs, thereby confusing us for the rest of the movie as to why they were so inexplicably ripped for such a freakishly weird dude and then you get into a heated debate with your friends about whether or not he was wearing a Wrath of Khan-style chest plate, he’s trying to distract you from the fact the movie he’s making with Nic Cage SUCKS BALLS.
Bottom line, Nic Cage is always playing it straight, and I respect him for it. He makes no apologies for his style. His very essence is a heightened piece of sincere slapstick. Hell, I’m not sure he even has the ability to be tongue-in-cheek. You never have to worry that he’s winking at you, because he’s not. He’s flat out waving you down like John McClaine at the end of Die Hard 2 (”Here’s your fucking landing lights!”). The worry is whether the movie he is in is playing it straight.
(I pretty much just ganked this guy's blog...ah well...fuck it)
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I don't mind Keanu Reeves. He isn't the best, just don't hate the guy. He does seem to squeak by a lot with picking fun movies. Doesn't tear them to pieces like some people. Hrm. Like...that guy...can't think of his name. *shrugs* Ah well. It'll come to me. 
